As I see it

There is so much going on in our little slice of the world that it is crazy.  And the ridiculousness of some of the arguements over the opinions of it is insane.  I was taught to respect others, and others property and so the behavior you can see in the OWS sickens me.  Having worked in a small segment of law enforcement, I know what its like to be threatened and antagonized.  Law enforcement legally has a right to go one level above the violence taken against them.  So if you hit a cop, he can hit you with an object (or taser you).  And if you hit him with an object that could cause serious harm or death, then they legally have the right to use deadly force to protect themselves and others.  And this is how it ought to be.  You start a fight with law enforcement, expect to lose.  Or how else are they going to keep us all (and each other and themselves) safe.  It sickens me to read all the bashing of law enforcement who are out there doing a job.  Which means that they have superiors telling them where to be, and how to respond to the actions going on in that area.  OWS have gotten violent with each other, and gotten violent with the police.  And the police responded.  If it wasn't some (ineffectual, multi-messaged, dirty squatter) protest, but instead just people camping out on people's lawn, blocking traffic, crapping in public, masturbating in public and disrespecting and antagonizing the police, then no one would bat an eye.  The fact that they have picket signs and a slogan gives them the right to do whatever the heck they want to with no repercussions?  No indeed.   If you are in the crowd and you know protestors are attacking the police, run idjit, trouble is a-coming. 

I agree that we need to be fairly taxed, all the way up and down the financial scale.  I agree our government has made some unwise choices.  And I sure can't wait til voting comes around and Obama is gone.   And, no, it has nothing to do with color of his skin.  I'm absolutely sure there are african american men and women who could do 100x better at his job than he has. 

In short, OWS needs to take some notes on how the tea party is operating, and maybe they'll get more respect.  They are making themselves look like idjits, dirty and disrespectful idjits who don't attend their own meetings so they aren't all shouting the same message. 

Bahahahahahaha

I had to go to the Dr. today.  Refill my topomax.   Migraines = baaad. 

Oh, warning, no backspace on this either.  I'm liking the running with my tho0ught, and I'm not going to slow type so the chances of epic mistakes is big.  I didn't get a chance to get my nails done because (ugh misspell bigtime) Mandee was off Monday and Tuesday, which I forgot.  :( 

I'm thinking maybe purple and green this timek with glittery swirls.  Ooh pretty right?  You could care less, and I could care less that you don't care.   See, it works.  xD.

Dr. looks at me and goes, "You get what you want, don't you?"  and I couldn't help but laugh.  Am I spoiled?  Does it count as spoiled if I have to get it myself?  I don't think so.  :-P 

"Just a few hours ago we had the tv on; drowning out your screams...."  Oh, sorry, I have YouTube on, and I'm currently jamming out. Which, is usual for me.  Oh, Eric, the commas are attacking my brain again.  Arghhhhhhhhh.  Baqhahahahahahahaaha.  Love you, Mean it!!!!  xD

"You got my favorite secrets on, and I won't use my hands to take them off....."

Yeah, I have naughty thoughts on the brain, but honest, its the writing.  Yeah, progress.  But not on the novel.  I'm so frustrated with the dang novel I haven 't even opened it back up once I saw how much I lost.  Bad, Nai, bad.  I'll spank me later.  If I'm lucky. 

"Woah lover, don't you dare slow down, go lover, you can last more rounds.  Push harder, you're almost there now, go lover, make mama proud!...& when we're done I dont wanna feel my legs  & when we're done I just wanna feel your hands all over my body baby.  You can't stop there, music still playin in the background.  Baby, I'ma be your motivation."  ~Motivation Kelly Rowland w/ Lil Wayne

Bahaha.  I LOVE that song.  Ok, focus.  Ummm sorry.  Haha. 

I think I'm going to work on that story now that my muse is all in place now.  Gotta love lil Wayne. 

&& smooth talkers.  With crooked smiles.  Who don't get all offended at my sarcasm, but instead shake their head and smile at me.  What an enigma. 

Whoa.  What?

Okaaay.  DOES he intrigue me more than I thought??  Uh oh.  The tall thing I know I like.  EVERY woman likes to feel short, at least the ones I know.  It's pre programmed into us.  The broad thing is sexy too.  There is an edge of naughty we all know is good.  Charming, of course.  The laughter thing, now that is very sexy.  I love the argh I love to laugh.  I love knowing I can be outrageous and I dont have to apologize all the damn time. 

I have a feeling I could push as i dammit as hard as I want and he isnt goin to budge.  ooh challenge.

YET

I'm not ready to dive into relationship either.

I'm' just not.

I want to flirt and talk and whatever but I'm not ready for intense. 

Is this why it took a blog for my brain to say wake up, mr chuckles intrigues you?? 

I'm doing the anti social thing again.  Oh going out plenty.  Texting, flirty plenty.  But keeping people at a distance. 

Habits are hard to break, yes.  :/

Phases

For this blog also, there will be no backspace or delete :)

I want to see what will flow if I let it, as I seem to amaze myself when i allow it to happen, i even though the meistakes aer frustrating.

I need to slow down my typing, as the mistakes are more frewquent when i type faster.  But the thoughts flow so fast so I try to keep up.  Argh, what a cycle, no?

Sooo.  Tall, funny, adorable or cute, but not that tall but intense?  Two men kind of cross my mind.  Niether one are mine so both can cross my mind with no guilty feelings.  Ah, the single life.  This part of it is fun.  The flirting with no consequences. 

Makin plans is fun too.  Lookin forward to this weekend.  xD. 

I have't written today except for this blog and shame on me for that but dang.  It was a good day though.  :) 

Eric's Challenge

Eric, my oh so brilliant friend who is an inspiration to me has challenged those who read his blogs to blog without editing.  whoo.


imagine.  no delte, no backspace, no specllcheck.  oy vey.


even now i can see errors and they  anag at me.   perfection is always the ultimate goal, yes?


But, here we go, Eric, just for you. 


I blogged earlier today because I am tempted to be bad.  I want to be bad.  Everyone who glances at my blogs or reads my7 what the hell is a seven doing popping into my writing? anyway anyone who reads my stories knows that I am a sensual person.  I admit this. 


I dont often give in to to OH ERIC THIS IS HARD the sensuality in real life and this is why the sex and sensuality takes over my writing.  In real life  though wow. 


A kiss, a touch, there is so much power in it.  SOme of my blogs are meant to improve relationships or even some peoples sex lives.  Some of my friens texts or call me asking for advice.  Yes, I'm that good.  Mental bow.  I really help people.  maybe I should get paid.  I got my degree in the wrong thing.  I should be a sex therapist.  *nods* 


I have sex on the brain.  I should write erotica again, and subit it to playboy the extra money might be nice.  mmmm erotica.  What, looks around innocently.  Oh come on!  dont tell me you dont watch porn, same difference, only its literature.  expanding knowledge, all that jazz.  xD

blah

I find myself in an interesting predicament of late.  I'm debating doing something irresponsible.

I'm one of those rare creatures of woman who don't relationship chase.  In fact, I'm happier out of one.  I don't like the whole complicated mess a relationship always ends up.  I don't like the tug and pull it puts on raising my son and I don't like feeling yanked in a million directions.  I generally avoid them.  In fact, Nate will be 7 this month and I've been in 4 relationships, including his father, his whole life.  Yes, you read that right.

Now, I don't do sex for sex sake either.  So I haven't just been sleeping with folks either.   

Here's my conundrum.  

I want this man.   Never been in this predicament.  I mean, sure I've been attracted to people.  Duh.  Dated people and felt desire and decided against sleeping with them.  Dated people and decided they were good relationship people and made myself want them.  What?  Some of you KNOW what I'm saying so don't go there with me.  I know it wasn't the best move, but hey.  Shut up.  Live and learn.  

I'm about to be 27.  Should I say to hell with it and give in to physicality?  I mean, wow.   Chemistry.  

He makes me blush.  At 26 and 3/4 years old.  I mean, really?  Not slept around does not mean innocent, honey.  But I BLUSH, deep red, and for no apparent reason.  Well, obviously the reason is the sensations coursing through me (and possibly thoughts bouncing in my cranium).  :p  

My thing is, lately, I've decided that I'm getting too old to keep pushing people away.  And if I'm focused on this one person and this one aspect, then I'm not going to be seeing who is out there with more to offer than that.  I want great sex, obviously, if you're going to do something, do it well.  But I want the more in a relationship that I've had before without the cheating that ruined it.  (his part, not mine). 

Gah.  I think I'm just going to avoid him, and forget the chemistry.  *nods*   Healthier that way.....powerful chemistry has been painful for me in the past anyway.  

A blog, by request. LOL

I love thunderstorms.  The only light is the moon and the stars and the lightning and the sound is the booming of the thunder like God laughing at jokes we only hear far too late. <le sigh> 

It's true, I do love storms.  And words.  James (my cousin, who requested this blog) gave me a beautiful compliment, that led to this blog, that I string words together like pure magic.  Any writer knows exactly how perfect a compliment that is.  I'll be floating on that compliment for days, if not weeks. 

It will help to keep my mind off the enigma of the haunting green eyes that taunt me time and again of late.  Normally, his behavior would cause me to cut him firmly from my mind as if he never crossed my path at all.  Yet life has complicated the situation.  I can't help but feel as if I am meant (yes, meant, as if God Himself is asking me to help him) to help him get his life (spirit) on track.  Not that he is a drug addict or bank robber.  He's not a bad person at all.  He's just....weighed down, emotionally.   I can't explain it.  I said, didn't I, that it was complicated.  I never said I'm a simple girl.  There is a connection there, of wounded souls.  The battle wounded weary soldier will bunk down back to back with another battle wounded weary soldier simply because they know instinctively they can trust them.  Throw in sexual chemistry.  I did mention haunting green eyes.  Did I forget to mention melted chocolate, toe curling, breath stealing, kisses? Silly me.   When I mix it up, I really mix it up.  Keeps life interesting.  

Maybe Jesus is just sending me good writing fodder.  Who knows.  :p

O.M.G. :)

Time changes so much, doesn't it?

I now have my bachelor's degree. 

&& I'm single.

What a difference a week makes, right?  haha

Anywho,

I haven't had time to do any writing, but I'm still thinking and plotting about my work in progress. 

Love and kisses.  :)

Warning: this may p!ss you off

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Sex......and Love

The simple glide of a hand that erases thoughts of anything but that touch.  A meeting of two mouths that ignites a need to be skin to skin.  The desire to be devoured.  The equisite pleasure of that person around and in you that you never want to end.  The beautiful realization that it doesn't matter how or where they touch you, you're going to love it.  The trust to allow lust to take you places you've never been.   

You know what I'm talking about. 


Sexual chemistry.

The kind that has you daydreaming at work, in the car, shopping, of what you want to do to your partner.  Of what they can do to you.  Sex for the simple pleasure of tasting and touching the person, instead of a mad rush to orgasm.  The buying of lingerie and toys, the anticipation that you can build with soft kisses in non sexual places, the teasing when you knew exactly what they wanted, and that you were going to give it to them, when you were ready to so, the romance of staring into your lovers eyes until the need is just too much, and instinct takes over.

Then the mad rush to orgasm. 

Take a minute.  Think about your lover, back when you couldn't wait to get your hands on him.  When you thought about how he tastes, and devised new ways to make you the best lover he had ever had.  Think about the passion that kept him on your mind and kept you both in bed more than you were out of it.

And give yourself that passion back. 

Don't wait for Valentine's.  Go have great sex. 

OMG I WANT IT

I just watched UFC 126.  And I've been a fan of the UFC for years.  I want the discs.  All of them.

I'm going to start buying them.  I spent a whole dollar and got 2 of the movies, UFC 47 & 48.  I watched them already. 

I think I deserve my little guilty pleasure. 
~~~~~
On another note, I wrote my other final today.   All five pages.  Didn't even LOOK at my 20 page final.  Ugh, I could vomit I'm so nervous over that one. 

I'm still planning my graduation celebration.  All I know is, I want to go to a bookstore, and to Olive Garden. 

My friend wants us to go clubbing etc.  I don't know.  I haven't been to a club in sooo long.  It's basically a waste of money.  I'm more of a drink at home (or a friends') lol. 


We shall see.

Woo Sah does not work for me!

I lead a stressful life.  For six years now, I've been a single mom, a student, and an employee.  A full time student, a full time employee, a full time mom.  My son is always first priority, and school work related to times (usually) when he is busy with school or playing outside, or asleep.  I'm two weeks away from graduation.  IF my final doesn't tank my grade.  I'm making a C right now, and let me tell you, that pisses me off.  I work hard on my assignments.  No matter how tired I am or how I feel, I get my work done.  This professor is harsh.  Extremely harsh.  Example? Sure, "APA format allows for first person, but I prefer third person" ~ so I lose points for any first person reference, EVEN THOUGH it is allowed in the format.  That's harsh.  And crazy.  And makes me say dirty words.  My final is a complete business plan for a fictitious business, with me as the owner.  I find it challenging to write about a business I "own" from a third party perspective.  This final is 20 pages long.  Yup.  20 pages.  That is a LOT of room for nit picky errors. 

I have another class, with its final, that has to be completed. 

I work (on average) 90 hours in a two week pd, 12 hour shifts, plus at least 20 minutes of briefing before the shift, and however long it takes my replacement to reach my post.  I'm drained, mentally and physically at the end of my shift. 

I'm still fighting with Nate's insurance.  I haven't heard from my mother in three days.  I have a story in my head, and no time (or energy, or patience) to chase it where it will go. 

Right now, all the woo sah in the world is not helping me to de-stress.  I feel like screaming.  I feel like climbing into bed and staying there for 48 hours straight. 

On a happy note....I fully believe I will graduate.  I've worked wayyy too hard not to.  And when I do; I'm going to Jacksonville, FL and having a nice dinner, going to a bookstore, and where ever else I end up, and having a good time.  That day, I won't stress about anything.  I've been budgeting for this, and planning this, and no stress is allowed on that day.  I'm soooo looking forward to it.  You just can't imagine.  :) 

It's just keeping calm until the final grades are posted.  Then I have one monkey off my back, more time for my passion (writing).  I already make sure I get plenty of Nate time.  But with no school for me, we can go on trips and such, that I really don't have time for now.  I want to take him to the zoo, and Wild Adventures, to start with.

Oh, and my job is tedious at times, and tiring, but I love it.  Most nights.  ;)

Exciting

Shortly after writing my blog last night, I got violently ill.  

Yuck. 

Thank goodness I am off tonight, because I hurt so bad I couldn't get out of bed for a few hours.  I have managed to hold down some OJ and an uncrustable.  It's only been about 30 minutes so we shall see how it goes from here. LOL :)

I do feel MUCH better, no aches and pains, fever, chills, or nausea right now.

The exciting part, is that while being forced to lay very, very still, my brain was sorting through scenes, and rejecting ideas, on a story that has tortured me for a year.

Everytime I go to write about it, it is dry and stilted.  I try to paint the reader a story.  I want you to fall in love when they fall in love, to fear when they fear, etc.  So stilted writing is quickly deleted.  And my story is nowhere except in my head.

However, I feel that I have the opening scene.  I love how it is unfolding.  I'm crossing my fingers.   It's a paltry few words, just a couple of paragraphs so far.  But they are paragraphs that I LIKE.

I'm going to tear myself away from staring at the page with my truimphant opening, and start preparing for my finals.

The last two obstacles in the path of my Bachelor's Degree. 

I'm going to attempt to play the wii with Nate in a bit~we are trying to get to World 6 in Super Mario Brothers Wii edition.  Whatever the title is, the game is aggravating as all get out.  :p  

Of course, I'll have to turn off the History channel with its current debate of if Queen Elizabeth the First was really a man.  :D   

Thoughts

I sit here, cuddled up in bed, watching Family Guy (a guilty pleasure), having just finished my last two research papers in my quest for my Bachelor's Degree.  I have only the finals standing between me and this goal that has taken me 6 years to achieve. 

At times, I am overwhelmed with the sheer relief of the thought of never having to stress over papers due, discussion questions, tests, grades, lectures, seminars, sources or educational loans again.  At least, not unless I decide to get my Masters.  I am, in essence, a nerd.  I love to learn.  But I can learn on my own, much cheaper.  :-)    Back to the original thought, I've dreamed of this for six years.  I believed I would have used my Associate's Degree by now.  (I haven't, by the way.)  I thought I would KNOW what I want to be when I'm grown up, erm, I mean, now.  And I don't. 

I want to be an editor.  I want to be an author.  I want to be a researcher for criminal law.  I want to own a bookstore.  What I am, is a jailer.  And I love it, most days.  I try to talk to the inmates, try to encourage them to better themselves in the ways that they can while incarcerated.  I make decent money for this town (though not nearly as much as if I moved an hour away and actually used my degree, either of them now, lol).  I finally have insurance again.  I get along with my co-workers.  There is a lot of stress, and a lot of laughter.  All in all, of all the jobs I've had, this one definately takes the cake.  But I don't want it to be my forever.  That's up to me. 

Gulp. 

So now I face the crux of my unhappiness in what is supposed to be such a happy time.  I'm not what I've always wanted to be. A writer.  Sure, I write (though, less the past couple of years than I have since I was 11).  I have never been published, though I have attempted it a few times.  I even wrote a book when I was 15.  I'm not saying it's good.  But its original, and more than 300 pages, and I'm proud of the dedication I showed, devoting nearly all my time to it, for 3 months. 

11 years later, and other than the birth of my son (6 years ago and celebrating his achievements) I haven't felt that accomplished or proud since.  I was so full of the possibilities then.  I never would have predicted the path my life has taken, but I don't have a lot of regrets about the path that it did take.  Other than that I have cheated myself by putting my passion on hold.  There is such a sense of wonder, when I read something that I wrote, and like it.  Some of the possibilities I once saw come back to me. 

That is what this blog is about.  Reminding me that the possibilities are still out there, just the view has changed.  I don't want to have failed because I never truly tried, I don't want to fail because I gave up.  That's how you fail, when you stop. 

I'm not sure if anyone will read the words I put here, journal form or characters, scenes, what have you.  I'm not sure it matters, yet.  This is new for me.  My writing has always been closely guarded, and so this is an adventure.  An opening of a bud.  Whether it is a dew kissed rose, or a garden weed, we shall see, I suppose.